


you looked at me like i was someone else (oh well)

by knoxoursavior



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-01-02
Packaged: 2019-10-02 22:29:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17272349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knoxoursavior/pseuds/knoxoursavior
Summary: There are good days, but there are bad days too. Those days are less frequent than the good ones, but they hit Singhard.





	you looked at me like i was someone else (oh well)

There are good days.

Days when Sing wakes up to Buddy licking his face, to Eiji smiling at him from where he’s leaning against the doorframe to Sing’s room. Days when Sing can leave Eiji’s apartment with his body light, free from worry. Days when Sing comes home to the smell of a delicious meal and Buddy barking his greeting, to Eiji in his apron, wiping sweat off his brow, telling Sing, “Welcome home,” with a small smile playing on his lips. 

But there are bad days too.

Days when Sing wakes up to Buddy’s whines, to Buddy nosing at his hand and leading him to Eiji’s room where Eiji is curled up in bed, staring into space, unresponsive. Days when Sing can’t bear to leave home because his anxiety thrums in his chest, telling him,  _ don’t leave, don’t you dare leave, it’s the least you can fucking do _ —

Days when Sing has to take Eiji’s shell of a body and help it get through the day.

Those days are less frequent than the good ones, but they hit Sing  _ hard _ .

He hates that he has to basically force Eiji to eat, or to go to the bathroom, or to do anything but stay in his big, lonely bed. He hates that Eiji has to live like this, has to shut down just so he can survive the pain.

What Sing hates the most, though, is that there’s nothing he can do. Once Eiji has gotten stuck in his head, there’s no bringing him back, nothing to do but stay with him and wait. 

Sing has gotten used to waiting.

And now, he’s lying on Eiji’s bed, waiting. 

There’s no way Sing will be sleeping tonight, but Eiji doesn’t like it when he wakes up to Sing curled up in a chair or bent over the side of his bed, so here Sing is, with his head pillowed on his arm, his legs pressed against Buddy, his hand dangerously close to where Eiji’s is, clenched around the fabric of his shirt. Eiji doesn’t like it too when he wakes up and sees that Sing hasn’t slept, but if Sing closes his eyes come dawn, then they can both pretend that everything’s alright.

In reality, he has papers to write, documents to sign, calls to make, but it feels wrong, doing those things when Eiji’s right here, quietly suffering. Sing doesn’t want to leave him alone, and so he stays here, stays right where he is. He stays by Eiji’s side, close enough that he can see the way Eiji’s chest shifts as he breathes, the way Eiji’s eyes move under his eyelids as he dreams, the way Eiji’s fist seems to tighten more and more over his heart as the night goes by.

Sing wants to take Eiji’s hand, wants to hold it gently until it relaxes, opens up into something that can hold Sing back too. He wants to reach into the space that Eiji is so desperately clinging to, wants to ease the pain he knows Eiji is trying to assuage to no effect, wants to take everything and throw it far, far away where it can’t hurt Eiji anymore.

He wants to do  _ something _ , to make it easier for Eiji, but he can’t. He  _ can’t _ . He isn’t the right person for this, and yet he’s the only person here, the only person by Eiji’s side, the only person  _ trying _ .

Oh, and he tries so hard. He tries  _ so much _ . He gives Eiji everything that he can spare of himself without withering away to nothing, gives everything he owes and more because Eiji—

Because Eiji deserves it. Because Eiji shouldn’t be imploding in on himself, shouldn’t be stuck, stagnating, unable to move forward, shouldn’t be swimming in loneliness and grief and suffering. Because Eiji is a bright light upon this world and he deserves everything that Sing can offer.

Sing will reach into himself and give Eiji his heart if Eiji will accept it. Eiji won’t though.

Eiji will take Sing’s time and his companionship, but he’ll never take Sing’s heart. If he did, he’d have nothing to give back. Even if Sing doesn’t expect anything in return, Eiji wouldn’t want him to suffer. Eiji is the farthest thing from cruel after all.

Well.

Most of the time anyway.

Sing supposes he can’t expect Eiji to have much control over himself and the things that he says when he’s half-asleep and crawling his way out of the dark place he’s backed himself into for most of this day.

So when Eiji groans, when Eiji’s eyes flutter open to reveal his glazed, sleep-addled eyes, when Eiji’s lips part in a yawn, Sing comes to attention. He doesn’t reach out to touch Eiji, but there are already so many things on the tip of his tongue.  _ How are you feeling, Eiji? Do you want to eat, Eiji? What do you need me to do, Eiji? _

But even before he can decide what to say, Eiji reminds him of his place.

“Ash?” Eiji says. “Is that you?”

Sing isn’t the one he wants looking after him. Sing isn’t the one he wants to wake up to. Sing isn’t the one he wants reaching out to him, comforting him.

Sing isn’t the one Eiji wants to find by his side. 

But Eiji has no idea. He has  _ no idea _ . He must have dreamt of Ash, must have dreamt of a better time, a better reality, if he’s saying Ash’s name with that tone—tender and fond and so,  _ so _ naive—

If he’s saying Ash’s name  _ at all _ —

Sing swallows against the lump that’s formed in his throat.

“Go back to sleep, Eiji,” he says.

There’s a crease between Eiji’s eyebrows. He knows that something’s wrong, that  _ Sing _ is wrong. 

Still, Eiji reaches out. Still, Sing reaches back and holds Eiji’s hand in his. 

“Miss you, Ash,” Eiji says, and Sing barely keeps himself from tensing up, from letting the sob that’s erupted in his chest slip past his lips, from showing any sign of how his heart has broken into tiny little pieces. Pieces that he’ll have to painstakingly glue back together for the next time that this happens.

He’s the only person here to comfort Eiji. 

He’ll be fine.

He’ll be  _ fine _ .

“I miss you too, Eiji,” Sing says, and he  _ hates _ it, hates the bitter taste the words leave in his mouth. 

Except—

Except Eiji’s eyes flutter closed.

Except Eiji’s hand relaxes in his. 

Except Eiji’s lips curve upwards into a smile.

“Good night, Ash,” Eiji says. 

Sing bites his tongue, stays still until Eiji falls back to sleep. 

He won’t be sleeping tonight.

**Author's Note:**

> hmu on [twitter](https://twitter.com/singeiji)!


End file.
